Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."

   My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.

   I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.

   Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.

   A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.

   I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

   Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.

   After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.

   Kellogg investigating video of man urinating on factory assembly line....Mmmmm pee-flavored Rice Krispees is a delicious healthy breakfast.

   If Wendy's think their square burgers are so awesome, why don't they use square buns??

   The thugs showing up at trump rallies are just mad because they are afraid they'll have to work

   Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit at a Trump rally to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

   My goal in life isn't to become famous or powerful like Donald Trump, my goal in life is to make enough money to eat whatever I want....

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!

   Skip Pi Day instead it's Steak and BJ Day, I like my steak medium and my blow job well done.

   Your hate for Trump only give him more attention while your love for Bernie is forgotten

   It's not alright if a politician has been bought off by someone, but it is okay if they buy you off with promises of free stuff?

   Vote for Bernie or get stuck with HILLARY for the next 8 years. GOP isn't winning anything

   I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters