Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   When you think about your dreams and goals, instead of asking yourself what's stopping you, figure out what's starting you.

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.