Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ''Breaking News ' Randy Travis was arrested at his home today for digging up BONES at a local cemetery

   its funny how we all sleep differently. my roommate sleeps on their back. my ex sleeps with everyone. that sort of thing

   You must be the Fat Pig to be so offened

   If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.

   Apparently "white privilege" doesn't include getting to pick out a koala and just take it home from the zoo.

   My favorite childhood memory is not having a job or bills to pay.

   As your new car parallel-parks itself, use both hands to wave goodbye to pu$$y

   The older I get, the harder it is to hold in my sigh

   Just did the Ancestry.com DNA swab....Now the cops want to talk with me!! #StalkersLife

   White lives matter.......we pay your welfare.

   only whites work around here..darn mexicans, and blacks

   wondering if he can claim Johnny Walker as a dependent.

   I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!

   Bernie Sanders want to run the United States and he can't even operate a simple comb with no moving parts.

   I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

   Parenthood is always saying the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Funny thing is, that's the same definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not!

   Hey Kanye....you think you made Taylor Swift famous? That's so cute.

   Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

   Teens these days don't know how lucky they are to have song lyrics sites. We used to sing stuff wrong for years until the truth destroyed us with weekly therapy sessions.

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."