Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was so cold today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket.

   Was visiting New York and asked someone, "How do I get to Carnegie hall?" The said, "Practice man, practice."

   These aren't wrinkles on my face, they're road maps

   I'm so broke, I owe myself two bucks

   The American bald eagle is no longer America's National Bird...it is now Obama's middle finger

   Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

   Ladies of the east coast.... you wanted 8+ inches, here you go.

   The snow storm is way too white, I think it's time to boycott.

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it hit the bottom of his throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   Please watch for black the black ice #blackicematters

   It is so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   Its so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch..

   Will Bernie Sanders still be alive at election time? Will Hillary get more Navy Seals killed and ignore the facts? Times up in 10 months Obama!!

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Olympics to Allow Pre-Op M-to-F Transsexuals to Compete..... So there will now be drag races in the Olympics?

   I buy all my snowstorm supplies at the liquor store

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.