Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   " No way....?!?! I majored in liberal arts too...!!! Btw....would you like fries with that.....???"

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   My favorite holiday is, National Egg Salad Lunch Monday. . .

   Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich..........

   Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.......

   Cruz had 5 mistresses? Were they alive?

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   "OK. Anyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table." -Jesus at the Last Supper

   When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.:)

   But have you tried Googling first before sharing these fake posts?

   I so want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I've decided to keep the dust bunnies as decorations.

   I hate it when I'm in a long line up and suddenly lose my will to live.

   Monica Lewinsky is 42, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the White House floor and putting everything in her mouth.