Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1355 of 6384
Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy
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01-27-2016 18:35 by snotty
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How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?
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01-27-2016 18:33 by snotty
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My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
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01-27-2016 13:21
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I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.
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01-27-2016 13:01
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Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.
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01-27-2016 12:58 by Bill
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*horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?
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01-27-2016 12:32 by snotty
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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01-27-2016 12:26 by snotty
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Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .
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01-27-2016 06:51 by JAB
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If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.
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01-27-2016 01:42
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We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.
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01-27-2016 01:16
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Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce
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01-27-2016 01:13
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“We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
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01-27-2016 01:09 by Czovczov
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Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day
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01-27-2016 00:55
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I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?
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01-27-2016 00:52
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Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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01-26-2016 20:55 by snotty
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Bernie Sanders is proof that the Vietnam war took America's Best and Brightest
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01-26-2016 20:48
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I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.
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01-26-2016 19:15 by snotty
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In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.
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01-26-2016 18:45 by Jeff
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[knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"
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01-26-2016 18:23 by snotty
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MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD
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01-26-2016 18:22 by snotty
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