Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your sassy personalized license plate promises a lifestyle your Hyundai can't deliver.

   I haven't lost my virginity yet cause I never lose, I'm a winner I want to win.

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   There's two sides to every coin, which makes cents.

   If I could do the Jedi mind trick, I would get an insane amount of oral sex.

   The best memory of American Idol is when Ryan Seacrest tried to highfive a blind guy with Kelly Clarkson winning a distant second.

   I may be the only one without a bucket list but my fucket list is getting rather long....

   "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Oops, I'm now sitting at my work's disciplinary meeting dressed as the Easter Bunny.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a good slogan for condoms.

   One good tip to make the Outback Steakhouse more authentic, all the staff should speak Australian.

   People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   Some people will not try bacon for religious reasons. Good to know, more bacon for me.....

   So looking forward to all the Easter weekend mattress sales.

   I'm excited this Easter to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.

   Kanye West is bankrupt and wants to run for President in 2020, he'll a better candidate than Trump is with four bankruptcies.

   My dream in life is to be a guest on the Maury show.

   Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.

   Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.