Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Each time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

   The world will go to war over anything. The mess in Brussels right now. I mean, how important are sprouts. really.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

   Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

   my family is known for always having diarrhea. I guess it runs in our jeans

   Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't erupted in over 40 years.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   FREE HARLEY DAVIDSON; When you purchase a tee-shirt for $40.000

   College student: I just graduated and can't find a job. I'll go back to school. Bernie Sanders; The economy is terrible and there are no jobs, let's send everyone to free college!

   The world would be a better place if a certain group of people would be more tolerant. I'm speaking to the lactose intolerant people out there. Stop the hate.

   9 out of 10 men prefer women, and that other guy, well he prefers one of those 9 men.

   Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

   Bernie "MAKE AMERICA POOR AGAIN"

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home