Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.

   If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.

   it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??

   Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.

   Trump's wife, Millenium would be the best First Lady ever...we never had a model in that position before.

   Bristol Palin is not amused with Tina Fey's impression of her mother, Sarah Palin. Perhaps it's was Sarah Palin doing an impression on Tina Fey. No one ever thinks about that.

   I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

   If Donald Trump shot himself would his poll numbers shoot up?

   [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...

   [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

   they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?