Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police!"

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.

   The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.

   I am who I am. I'm weird, I'm lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random and stupid stuff like fellow Trump supporters do. But, I like it that way.

   You really understand how drunk you are when you're peeing...

   The Americans are the only ones in the world that think their elections are actually real . Everybody else just sees different fingers off the same corporate puppet . .

   All the keyboard warriors these days... SMH. They all probably get scared $h!tless when the toast pops up..

   Sorry Syracuse, but if I wanted to see an Orangeman lose by that much, I would just check the general election polls!

   geta Life opinions can be hilarious. Like thinking yours is going to stop us.

   They should really considered remaking "Back To The Future 2" where there aren't any flying cars. And people just stare at their phones all day getting easily offended to everything they read....

   Do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels so really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masterbation....

   "No hardworking American should be forced to live without more cowbell." Christopher Walken for President, 2016.

   Your sexy legs looks like an Oreo cookie. I want to split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle....

   If Steve Buscemi can have a movie career surely there is hope for us all.

   A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

   if you never ever looked at your bank balance and rationally thought about the benefits of prostitution and drug dealing, you're a liar my friend.

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....