Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Hitler should have done the world a favour and wiped out the towel heads instead.

   Dear Rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your songs. Sincerely, All Paranoid Drivers.

   People say cherry blossoms are beautiful. I see death by allergies. Achooooo!!!

   The older you get, the more you appreciate being at home masterbating on a Tuesday night.

   Mosquitos everywhere keeping it real by wishing everyone a Happy First Week of Spring. Remember us?

   Why would you buy a case for your cracked cell phone, that's like buying a condom to put on your kids head?!?!

   I'm so tired of not being a multimillionaire.

   I was a young rebel as a toddler. I smoked candy cigarettes and took tic-tacs.

   Women are the only people who can go out to bar broke but come home drunk.

   Spring Break -- let's do this right.....

   Each time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

   The world will go to war over anything. The mess in Brussels right now. I mean, how important are sprouts. really.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

   Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

   my family is known for always having diarrhea. I guess it runs in our jeans

   Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't erupted in over 40 years.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?