Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8

   I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.

   To all you virgins.....Thanks for nothing!

   I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries

   The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.

   I am not going bald on the crown of my head, it's an alien crop circle.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   Why do so many Americans hate people from the middle east, yet build churches to worship someone from the middle east? How stupid is that.

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited