Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flight attendant who allegedly left cocaine at LAX arrested in NYC, well let's all be fair she knows how to get high in the skies....

   If money was grown on trees,women would be dating monkeys!

   More than 2 million New Zealanders voted in the ballot to decide whether to keep the British Union Jack on their flag or replace it with a silver fern. They voted to keep the British Union Flag. Why can't we have a calm Presidential election in America?

   If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....

   The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.

   Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.

   Obama leans toward believing scientists before god. Any country acknowledging science before any god is a winner in my opinion.

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"

   Dr. Dre is a rapper, I always wondered what medical school he went to....

   Donald Trump says he "will spill the beans " on Cruz's wife, I always wondered what beans Heidi eats??

   To All My Ex's Out There, you can block my Facebook, you can delete my number but you can never unsuck my genitals. Have a good day!!!

   This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.

   When things get me down, I always take a deep breath and go to my safe place....Taco Bell.

   "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America

   Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.

   My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.