Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!