Funny Status Messages

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

   The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

   If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

   Just watched a documentary on the history of Laxatives.. I'll admit, it was very moving.

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   Hey Lay's Potato Chips, you forgot to list "air" under the ingredients... thanks for nothing!

   30 years later and millions of Cabbage Patch Kids still have no clue they were adopted.

   Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

   My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

   The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less