Funny Status Messages

   You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.

   Questions To Ask Coworkers/Friends Every Friday: What do you mean I'm crazy? Have the unicorns been spreading vicious ugly rumors about me again?

   Trump is totally that Chucky doll all grown up and running for President. Here's Chucky, Here's Trumpy!!!

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....

   wants you to know that he has decided to accept you as you are, that does not necessarily mean that he has completely given up on you amounting to something someday.....

   Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope".

   Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

   Remember: No matter what anyone tells you, you are not worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button?!?!

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   When a woman carries a keg of beer over her shoulder, never question your relationship status....yep she's a keeper!!!

   Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   Anything can be toilet paper if you're brave enough