Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1344 of 6384
I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.
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02-08-2016 15:02
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I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.
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02-08-2016 15:00
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Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?
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02-08-2016 14:03
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You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.
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02-08-2016 13:55 by Czovczov
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I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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02-08-2016 07:26 by flinnie
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Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.
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02-08-2016 07:21 by flinnie
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We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.
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02-08-2016 05:32
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We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.
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02-08-2016 00:32
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I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.
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02-07-2016 22:33
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Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.
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02-07-2016 22:29
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Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.
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02-07-2016 22:17
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Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.
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02-07-2016 22:06
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If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".
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02-07-2016 22:04
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Although the American founding fathers were pictured as old men many were young during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, James Monroe 18, and Thamas Jefferson was 33!!! Gee, what have I accomplished at those ages?
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02-07-2016 22:01
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Annoyed kitty, touchy kitty, grouchy ball of fur. Moody kitty, grumpy kitty, grrr, grrr, grrr....
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02-07-2016 21:57
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Valentines Day: A woman is sitting at home with her husband and says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
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02-07-2016 21:55
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"What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies
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02-07-2016 21:51
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Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
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02-07-2016 21:49
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❤ I loved Chris Martin, Bruno Mars and Beyoncé singing "We gotta get it together right now," which pretty much summarizes the Panthers offense...
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02-07-2016 21:29 by Douglas M
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Love me like Oprah loves bread!
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02-07-2016 14:07 by McKibben
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