Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your sexy legs looks like an Oreo cookie. I want to split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle....

   If Steve Buscemi can have a movie career surely there is hope for us all.

   A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

   if you never ever looked at your bank balance and rationally thought about the benefits of prostitution and drug dealing, you're a liar my friend.

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

   It's like these bottles of liquor don't even remember me from last night.

   anyone understand what women even do with toilet paper? because if they used it to dress up as egyptian mummies i'd probably understand.

   I want to see Trump win just so I can hear him say "Barack Obama, you're fired!"

   I wonder how many Clinton supporters are going to start wearing the same type of orange jump suite as their beloved leader.

   How great will it be when Trump steps up to the podium after accepting the Republican nomination and says "Live from New York, it's Saturday night"....

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my best friend sleeps on their back, while my ex sleeps with everybody.

   Pro Tip: Every time a vegan dies, their soul gets burned into a piece of meat.

   Always finish your salad, kids. A thousand islands died to make that dressing....

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   (burglar gently waking me)....You live like this?

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too

   Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year.