Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.

   Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.

   My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."

   I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" And then we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Saw them 21 more times before sunrise.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!!

   You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.

   Questions To Ask Coworkers/Friends Every Friday: What do you mean I'm crazy? Have the unicorns been spreading vicious ugly rumors about me again?

   Trump is totally that Chucky doll all grown up and running for President. Here's Chucky, Here's Trumpy!!!

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....

   wants you to know that he has decided to accept you as you are, that does not necessarily mean that he has completely given up on you amounting to something someday.....

   Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope".

   Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

   Remember: No matter what anyone tells you, you are not worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button?!?!

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.