Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.

   Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.

   If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.

   Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.

   You’d be in good shape.…if you ran as much as your mouth.

   If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.

   Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems....

   You Go Girl!!! And don’t come back.

   I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

   Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

   Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday.

   Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really....

   Avoid arguments about the toilet seat....use the sink....

   where's the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons on life?

   Cats are like Meow, Chicka Meow Meow......

   Stairway to Heaven? I'm not going anywhere that is high and doesn't have an elevator.

   so I heard last night that women are misdiagnosed more often than men. what they didn't mention was that men are usually misterdiagnoised more often than women

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!