Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.

   Actor Wendell Pierce announced he is investing in a $20 million Baltimore apartment complex that will offer homes to artists at a discounted rate. Why is this news if Kanye West and/or the Kardashians aren't involved in some way?

   One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.

   In honor of national siblings day... I wish I would have grown up with money instead of siblings. :)

   A Perfect High School Prom Theme For 2016: An Enchanted Night at a Trump Rally.

   My goal in 2016 is to show my fellow Trump supporters who aren't single how awesome being single is.

   The Hardy Boys tackle their toughest mystery yet in, "F*cking Run, The Sun Exploded!"

   Unicorns are real -- They're just fat, grey and we call them Rhinos.

   Popularity allows you to live with others, but integrity lets you live with yourself.

   I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.

   Tax day is just a few days away so get out there and check those dumpster and trash cans for receipts.

   To reduce the chance of being audited during tax season, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.

   Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   A big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.

   I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

   Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.

   I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.