Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.

   Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.

   ....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!

   Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.

   SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep

   My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...

   When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again.

   We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.

   Do I have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, It's February 14th!

   My morning routine includes 20 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.

   Hillary's campaign manager: "Try being less of a c*nt..."

   Kill Whitey - Beyonce probably

   I don't feel like doing anything today and I hope I can muster enough energy to do that.

   If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...

   But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?