Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."

   President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....

   6 year old hosting a Lego funeral, "We must accept what comes to us. Gogo's death is one of the obstacles in life."

   "I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle

   My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   ... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.

   Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...

   Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles.

   Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

   I feel like Donald Trump had his wisdom teeth taken out, but the anesthesia never wore off.

   There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.

   Sorry I'm late for work but now that McDonald's serves breakfast all day I don't really have much of an incentive to wake up before 10 am

   A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.