Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1332 of 6446

"You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon
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04-15-2016 05:09
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IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
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04-15-2016 05:08
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My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….
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04-15-2016 05:08
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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!
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04-15-2016 05:06
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Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.
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04-15-2016 05:04
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. Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,
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04-15-2016 00:23
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Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.
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04-14-2016 18:32
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If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.
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04-14-2016 17:14
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I know I am a little crazy, that's a part of my charm. If you don't like it, then get off my unicorn!!!
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04-14-2016 17:12
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Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.
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04-14-2016 17:10
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One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."
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04-14-2016 17:00
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President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....
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04-14-2016 16:27
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Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....
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04-14-2016 16:14
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6 year old hosting a Lego funeral, "We must accept what comes to us. Gogo's death is one of the obstacles in life."
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04-14-2016 16:00
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"I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle
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04-14-2016 15:58
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My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.
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04-14-2016 15:57
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I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.
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04-14-2016 15:55
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... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.
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04-14-2016 13:31
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Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.
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04-14-2016 13:24
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.... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...
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04-14-2016 13:21
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