Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon

   IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

   My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….

   How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!

   Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.

   . Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.

   I know I am a little crazy, that's a part of my charm. If you don't like it, then get off my unicorn!!!

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."

   President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....

   6 year old hosting a Lego funeral, "We must accept what comes to us. Gogo's death is one of the obstacles in life."

   "I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle

   My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   ... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.

   Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...