Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   Reasons Why Guys Stop Texting Girls: 1) He's Busy. 2) You didn't send nudes. 3) He has beer and football. 4) It's only been a day, calm down psycho.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!

   John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?

   If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

   Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!

   Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."

   Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.

   I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.

   Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.

   People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.

   Facebook is now a place full of whiny Bernie supporters waiting to be offended with whatever Hillary promises.

   Me In 2016 Shaking An Magic 8 Ball: "Will I find love this year?" Magic 8 Ball says, "Hahaha get a cat." D'oh!!!

   Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.

   If stress was a drug I would be high as fuck.

   Can I get a Hell Yeah if you don't know what you're doing with your life and you don't get enough sleep.

   She said she recognozed me from the Vegetarian Club but I've never met herbivore.