Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.

   I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

   Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.

   Never fry bacon while naked.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.

   The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   Don't be a twatsicle.

   I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared, but screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.

   today boring you? Go outside and lick a strangers face....that should spice things up a bit.

   Camping is the answer. Who cares what the question is.

   I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE

   Donald Trump is proof of how dumb Americans have become.

   A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.

   Never ever trust a person who doesn't like dogs.