Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

   Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes. 2) Accidents. 3) Marriages. Need I say more?

   Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

   Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

   Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

   Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

   "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon

   IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

   My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….

   How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!

   Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.

   . Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.