Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   I'm going to open a Star Wars themed Chinese Restaurant called "Hung So Lo."

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Whenever I see a dog I say hello,when I see a human I try not to make eye contact and hope it goes away

   Girls don't give you phone numbers anymore its here is my snapchat name

   I'm not horrified by your views on this whole public restroom issue, I'm horrifed that you would actually use a public restroom.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   WOW. Someone needs a Happy Meal.

   fine then, family is NOTHING

   Today I identify as someone on welfare, so I don't have to go to work right?

   As Jesus said: "It's ok to sin as long as you don't forget to ask for forgiveness later." -people who invent Bible Verses

   If someone says "bathroom policy" one more time, I'm going to have to kick a chick in the nuts.

   Dear theist, Atheists don't care who you pray to. Just keep it to yourselves and out of schools and government. =)

   Dear Atheist,if God isn't real why does it bother you so much if I pray to him and always will.

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....