Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes. 2) Accidents. 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon . Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,
←Rate | 04-15-2016 00:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.
←Rate | 04-14-2016 18:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.
←Rate | 04-14-2016 17:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I am a little crazy, that's a part of my charm. If you don't like it, then get off my unicorn!!!
←Rate | 04-14-2016 17:12 Comments (0)  




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