Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it.

   Seatbelts are very important, unless you are driving a huge school bus filled with children.

   My son asked me what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except for 1 song.

   Marijuana: It's not just for Hippies anymore!

   American Word Of The Day: Hoochie. My girl found another girl's number in my phone and yelled, "Tell me hoochie is, before I stab you!"

   It's weird to think that before Facebook and social media all these dumb thoughts stayed in people's heads = But that's none of my business.

   Take it from me: Don't try to redeem those "Free Blow Job" coupons after you divorce.

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   Taylor Swift doesn't necessarily need 10 Grammy awards, when we have starving artists like Kanye West.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let my girlfriend sleep.

   You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.

   "I watched the Grammys this week just to see Pitbull perform." --Said no one ever

   If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.

   Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.

   Even God thinks Kanye West is an a$$hole.

   Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....

   What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.

   Times co-worker has mentioned she's a vegan today: 6. Times I've asked: 0.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.