Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

   What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

   "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.

   Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   I learned something about Prince, that doves actually cry. Hmmmm.

   ♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫

   If Prince can kick Kim Kardashian off the stage I should be able to kick her and all Kardashian nonsense off my Facebook feed.

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   Happy Earth Day everyone. Suck it, Mars!

   Now that there will be a woman on the $20 bill does that mean it will be worth less than the ones with men on them?