Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ‪#‎FeeltheBern‬ you may want to see a doctor. You probably have a UTI or STD.

   My wife just complimented me on my new Alligator shoes, but the only problem with that is that I wasn't wearing any shoes.

   Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse

   Why disappoint others, when you can disappoint yourself.

   You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

   I think fire safety courses should require having to do the Safety Dance.

   If a Chinese person is giving you driving directions, does he say "Turn right at the chopsticks in the road."?

   My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.

   A committee is NOT established to determine what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

   Stop saying I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is.

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....

   Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...."Who ties your shoelaces for you?"

   Dear Pringles, I'm no longer a child and cannot fit my hand inside your tubes of deliciousness. Sincerely, Everyone over 8 years old.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company.

   I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 73 of them.

   I didn't sleep well last night, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got to work and realized I forgot my car.

   I'm just going to put an "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love.

   Definition of a Male Best Friend: A person who opens his mouth just to insult you.