Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All music is dance music if you're bored enough.

   A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

   Lifetime os filming a new series about the ongoing struggle women have with freezing cold feet. It's a Sockumentary.

   Don't worry Bernie supporters, there's a good chance Bernie will run as Retirement Home President sometime in the near future.

   Sad to say this, Bernie campaign is on life support. Perhaps a GoFundMe page to revitalize his campaign might help...

   "Poverty is a death sentence," Bernie Sanders declares during Baltimore stop. Too bad Bernie doesn't feel the same way as he just fired hundreds of his loyal campaign workers.

   Bernie's campaign workers definitely Felt The Bern on their way to the unemployment office.

   Bernie Sanders is so evil for laying all those people off. I guess they can go back to the unemployment line or mom's basement.

   Just a heads up...it is World Naked Gardening Day on May 7th. Rest assured, I will not be participating.

   Funny all those people that love Prince and don't mind his drug abuse probably complained about Lance Armstrong

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   The past two weeks I've eaten nothing but fiber rich foods. Fiber, fiber, fiber. So anyway, this morning I go to use the bathroom and...well, let's just say I'm the proud owner of a brand new wicker coffee table.

   I don't hate anybody. I'm just not neccesarily excited by their existance....

   Dear Burger King, We are not really enticed by the idea you are now selling hotdogs. The weird people you place in your television ads really doesn't help either. Just stick to burgers. Sincerely, Everyone.

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   I'm going to open a Star Wars themed Chinese Restaurant called "Hung So Lo."