Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.

   Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.

   Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.

   have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither

   If you're voting for Hilary Raise your hand.....now take that hand and slap your dumbass in the face with it!

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive squirrel?

   "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

   Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

   If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

   Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.