Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again.

   According to Bernie, no one working a 40 week should live in poverty. According to those who built America, no one living in poverty should just work 40 hours a week!

   You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Don't be ashamed of who are you. That's your parents job.

   If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   Some days I have everything put together....some days I spit toothpaste in my hair.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.

   96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.

   Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.

   Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

   Canadians: What are these igloo-dwelling hosers who can no longer apply to be "Jeopardy!" contestants.

   Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.

   My dog vomited last night at 4 am. At least he kept me company while I cleaned it up.

   Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.

   Kanye West makes a song about gold diggers, but now has to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money.