Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook is now a place full of whiny Bernie supporters waiting to be offended with whatever Hillary promises.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me In 2016 Shaking An Magic 8 Ball: "Will I find love this year?" Magic 8 Ball says, "Hahaha get a cat." D'oh!!!
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If stress was a drug I would be high as fuck.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can I get a Hell Yeah if you don't know what you're doing with your life and you don't get enough sleep.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She said she recognozed me from the Vegetarian Club but I've never met herbivore.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now identify as a person who wants his own private bathroom while in public.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 10:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When life knocks you down to your knees, remember that it's the perfect position to pray.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "You're crazy" = the last resort from a losing opponent.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 08:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 08:56 Comments (0)  




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