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John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
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04-28-2016 16:09
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If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
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04-28-2016 16:08
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Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!
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04-28-2016 16:06
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Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."
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04-28-2016 16:03
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Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.
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04-28-2016 16:00
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If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
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04-28-2016 15:51
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I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.
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04-28-2016 15:48
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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....
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04-28-2016 15:47
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Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.
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04-28-2016 15:44
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People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.
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04-28-2016 15:42
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Facebook is now a place full of whiny Bernie supporters waiting to be offended with whatever Hillary promises.
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04-28-2016 15:38
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Me In 2016 Shaking An Magic 8 Ball: "Will I find love this year?" Magic 8 Ball says, "Hahaha get a cat." D'oh!!!
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04-28-2016 15:37
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Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.
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04-28-2016 15:34
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If stress was a drug I would be high as fuck.
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04-28-2016 15:32
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Can I get a Hell Yeah if you don't know what you're doing with your life and you don't get enough sleep.
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04-28-2016 15:31
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She said she recognozed me from the Vegetarian Club but I've never met herbivore.
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04-28-2016 14:53
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I now identify as a person who wants his own private bathroom while in public.
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04-28-2016 10:19
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When life knocks you down to your knees, remember that it's the perfect position to pray.
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04-28-2016 09:00
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"You're crazy" = the last resort from a losing opponent.
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04-28-2016 08:56
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If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
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04-28-2016 08:56
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