Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things: 1) Where have you been all my life? 2) Can you please go back there?

   Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee

   Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults.

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.

   Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   Ladies, if you want a guy to look at your face instead of your chest, eat a banana.

   Don't tell my pillow I said this, but, I don't think he'll ever fulfill his dreams of becoming a hairstylist.

   Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   When playing dodgeball, remember the golden rule: Hide behind the fat kid...

   Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.