Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   "Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

   All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.

   I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.

   Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.

   That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

   When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...

   Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?

   I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

   I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.