Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1317 of 6383
14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.
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02-26-2016 04:44
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I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."
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02-26-2016 04:40
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Science: Ruining everything since 1543.
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02-26-2016 04:37
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City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....
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02-26-2016 04:36
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How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!
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02-26-2016 04:34
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Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
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02-26-2016 04:32
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It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.
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02-26-2016 04:30
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Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.
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02-26-2016 04:28
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That was the best news conference that Obama has ever held, about all the police officers shot recently. Said no one ever...
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02-25-2016 22:14
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What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"
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02-25-2016 20:10
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Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time
My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
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02-25-2016 17:51 by XX-FOXY
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You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.
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02-25-2016 15:22
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Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
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02-25-2016 15:21
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How can you say Trump is like Hitler, did you fondle both of their genitals?
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02-25-2016 15:19
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Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.
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02-25-2016 14:37
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My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.
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02-25-2016 14:35
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If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.
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02-25-2016 14:33
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A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.
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02-25-2016 14:30
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Burger King is the only fast food I trust... because it costs $10.47 for a chicken sandwich and takes 40minutes to prepare...
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02-25-2016 14:29
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