Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

   If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are....you have small boobs.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What happened to you?

   Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

   I just got a Congratulations message from facebook today, they said my block list has now exceeded my friends list...I wonder what I win lol

   ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   I'm Still not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   That moment when you fart really loud then suddenly remember there is someone else in the elevator with you.

   Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!

   .... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."