Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway

   It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day

   All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   sure Trump may not be the best looking President, but we will have the hottest first lady ever

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.

   Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.