Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it.

   I just want the self confidence of a cat.

   A poll finds Donald J. Trump is less likable as the often criticized Canadian rock band Nickelback and even less favourable than a root canal.

   Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?

   There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh

   .... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days ....

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.

   Donald Trump is the match and the GOP is the oil, let's burn this party down!!!

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   Stephen King has been murder slaying Trump on Twitter since the "rabid coyote" descended the Trump Tower escalator in June.

   Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!

   Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

   If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.

   When it comes to towel-heads, I am with Donald Trump. These barbarians should not be allowed in a civilized society. They just stabbed people in Germany today.

   Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.

   The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.