Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife, Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

   Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station.

   The 13 year old girl I was chatting with just told me she is a police officer. Amazing.....she's only 13 and already has a strong work ethic..

   I never heard of her either. Amanda who ?

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

   In the news today Amanda Bynes got a haircut. Why is this news, who the f#uck is she and who the f#ck cares. . .

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   Trump is like the Charlie Sheen of the political world .... WINNING!

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."

   I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.