Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.

   I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.

   The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.

   Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.

   My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.

   Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.

   I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?

   Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!