Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1315 of 6383
When someone is near the edge I like to push them over so they can begin their recovery earlier
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02-27-2016 21:50
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...
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02-27-2016 20:34 by Snotty
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Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now
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02-27-2016 20:27 by Snotty
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I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.
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02-27-2016 20:25 by Snotty
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Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.
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02-27-2016 20:20 by Snotty
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Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.
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02-27-2016 19:00
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My phone autocorrects "Lil Wayne" to "LOL Wayne" - so I guess it's right sometimes.
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02-27-2016 18:55 by Drizzy
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Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.
I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.
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02-27-2016 12:32 by Snotty
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My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.
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02-27-2016 12:28 by Snotty
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GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"
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02-27-2016 12:24 by Snotty
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Girl Scout cookie season is specifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.
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02-27-2016 10:39
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KKK is part of the democratic party...
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02-27-2016 10:21
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(1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators
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02-27-2016 08:13 by Snotty
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am I the only person watching Fuller House waiting for Bob Saget to tell the daughters how he met their mother?
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02-27-2016 05:21 by Eddy
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I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words
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02-27-2016 00:21 by Snotty
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My husband was holding the baby monitor watching her sleep, and I asked him if he wanted another one. He thought I was offering to go get him another beer.
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02-26-2016 23:55 by kbelly
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In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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02-26-2016 23:16 by Snotty
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I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.
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02-26-2016 23:14 by Snotty
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Not feeling smart today? Just remember there are grown adults who actually still actually believe Hillary Clinton.
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02-26-2016 20:06 by BOOYA
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