Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

   Just a friendly reminder: Jesus is always watching you.

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   The 1 thing Liberals & Conservatives should agree on: The media is a mess. Get back to who's right not who's first.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   Studies show that human being experience feelings of joy when pushing the 'Skip Ad' button.

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   In high school, I was voted 'Who is that? Does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   Blind man walks into a bar.... And a table, and a chair.

   The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.

   Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

   I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

   The difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball is a guy will actually search for a golf ball.