Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   You are not designed for everyone to like you. You're not pizza.

   I'll punch you and take your taco.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?

   Nipples...Mother Nature's thermometer.

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

   I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

   I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.

   I hope my cat doesn't want to go as something slutty again for Halloween this year.

   I want a President I can do mushrooms with.

   At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....

   "Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."

   My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!