Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.

   I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?

   Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway

   It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.