Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Global warming is caused by people being uncool.

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.

   I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.

   The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.

   Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.

   My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.

   Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool