Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets call SELFIES what they really are; ALONIES

   The most useless place to be is in someone's prayers.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   When you say, "Friends With Benefits"....I assume you own a liquor store.

   There are so many dogs on the internet that we forget about newborn alpacas....

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?

   I'm starting to think this is the last season of America and the writers are going insanely nuts.

   I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

   No matter what race you're, if you have an ounce of human decency in you, you should find Donald Trump to be a repugnant . A real POS.

   Not too impressed with this years selection of Presidential nominees so I've decided to vote for one of the Mario Brothers, haven't decided which one, .... But I figure either of them are just as qualified, if not more, to fix things as the nominees.

   If I can hear you chew, just thought you should know that I have fantasized about your death.

   Donald Trump's adult sons looks like 80's movie villains you'd have to beat in a ski contest to save a shopping mall for a gang of lovable misfits.

   People hate Trump but they secretly cry and wish they were a Billionaire too

   Fun game: Ask a Trump supporter which one of his proposed policies they like the best. Then sit back and enjoy the silence.

   Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

   Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

   Awaiting Mitt Romney news conference where he'll say Trump's prints were found on newly-discovered OJ Simpson knife....

   You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.

   As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber

   I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.