Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1307 of 6383
No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."
←Rate |
03-05-2016 23:20
Comments (0)
I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 20:42
Comments (1)
Well ... Considering his past record ... My biggest worry about Donald Trump is that ... even if he actually proves to be a great president ..... I am still very concerned that he could still leave us for a younger, prettier country...
←Rate |
03-05-2016 19:42
Comments (0)
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:26
Comments (0)
Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:22
Comments (0)
My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:20
Comments (0)
Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:16
Comments (0)
Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:15
Comments (0)
When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:13
Comments (0)
Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:10
Comments (0)
Samsung Galaxy S7 is a water-resistant smart phone which features a 'Charging Warning" when wet. If you want a better way to electrocute yourself, there's always throwing a toaster in a bathtub option!
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:07
Comments (0)
Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 16:00
Comments (0)
Uber: Our drivers will use fake vomit to charge passengers for cleaning fees.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 15:57
Comments (0)
Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 15:55
Comments (0)
Women: So glad the weekend is finally here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry! YAYNESS!!!
←Rate |
03-05-2016 15:17
Comments (0)
America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 15:13
Comments (1)
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
←Rate |
03-05-2016 11:13 by Snotty
Comments (0)
Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?
←Rate |
03-05-2016 09:43
Comments (0)
The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...
←Rate |
03-05-2016 08:43 by Snotty
Comments (0)