Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... THAT offends ME and MY COUNTRY!!

   .... Of course Gamer Boy living in my basement .... you're not going to find the perfect Gamer Girl ..... Cuz she's sitting at home playing games just like you ....

   If had more than zero payday loans, you're doing it wrong...

   ?The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about you"?

   Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished....

   It's always a great day when you wake up on the right side of the grass

   No matter what you call Budweiser, it's still crappy beer....

   .... HA! ..... Ya ..... It's all fun and games till you realize it isn't a video game ..... It is real life ......

   In the Golden Age of America .... Everybody knew which restroom to use.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee

   It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?

   It's an absolute proven FACT that Criminals commit a lot less crime .... After they've been shot!

   Why are people always kicking things to the curb? If you really wanna get rid of something kick it to the middle of the street.

   There are no warrants out for my arrest so we could go basically anywhere on a date.

   Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.