Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya OK .... The extent of my being a real tough assed dude .... Is kinda limited to humming "Bad to the Bone!" ..... While eating my smoked baby back ribs. Like I say .... I'm a real Tough Ass!!!

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   ..... You know I suck at planning for the future when my entire retirement plan consists of buying two Powerball tickets every week ....

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   With classics like "I like you, but not as much as the rest of our family," I feel our 4 year old would dominate the greeting card industry.

   Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.

   Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

   Led Zeppelin's "In My Time Of Dying" is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

   Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all most selfies people take look dopey?

   My family's recipe for lasagna has been handed down for generations: 1) Collect the freshest ingredients. 2) Find a woman cook it. 3) Eat....

   Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

   Thanks to all the different kinds of craft beers my severe alcoholism just seems like a cool neat hobby.

   Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...

   Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.

   My wife takes my paycheck & gives me an allowance. She should run for public office.

   Monica Lewinski will not be voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

   .... Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then .... They are shocked and offended when they discover that there are actually other views.

   ... NOT LONG AGO GM WAS BUILDING CARS IN FLINT MICHIGAN AND YOU COULDN'T DRINK THE WATER IN MEXICO AFTER YEARS OF HELP FROM OBAMA AND THE US GOVERNMENT GM NOW BUILDS CARS IN MEXICO AND YOU CAN'T DRINK THE WATER IN FLINT ... BOOM!