Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son asked me what's "Chillaxing"? "That's what Eskimos do.... they set around their igloo's taking laxatives for fun" I explained.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   High school makes you realize that you only need one best friend and like three close friends, because you realize how fake everyone is.

   Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.

   "Chillax" ironicly the most irritating word known to man.

   If 9/11 taught us anything, it's that Superman's a lazy ass.

   With a gentle stroke he wipes her tears away, and accidentally her eyebrows

   i can't believe it, Morley Safer tribute was on last week and not 60 minutes later he's gone

   If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...

   I wish I was British so I could say cool stuff like "brilliant" and "crikey" and "I don't have worry about Trump leading my country"

   In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   I don’t know why people will get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"