Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife takes my paycheck & gives me an allowance. She should run for public office.

   Monica Lewinski will not be voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

   .... Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then .... They are shocked and offended when they discover that there are actually other views.

   ... NOT LONG AGO GM WAS BUILDING CARS IN FLINT MICHIGAN AND YOU COULDN'T DRINK THE WATER IN MEXICO AFTER YEARS OF HELP FROM OBAMA AND THE US GOVERNMENT GM NOW BUILDS CARS IN MEXICO AND YOU CAN'T DRINK THE WATER IN FLINT ... BOOM!

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... THAT offends ME and MY COUNTRY!!

   .... Of course Gamer Boy living in my basement .... you're not going to find the perfect Gamer Girl ..... Cuz she's sitting at home playing games just like you ....

   If had more than zero payday loans, you're doing it wrong...

   ?The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about you"?

   Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished....

   It's always a great day when you wake up on the right side of the grass

   No matter what you call Budweiser, it's still crappy beer....

   .... HA! ..... Ya ..... It's all fun and games till you realize it isn't a video game ..... It is real life ......

   In the Golden Age of America .... Everybody knew which restroom to use.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee

   It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?

   It's an absolute proven FACT that Criminals commit a lot less crime .... After they've been shot!

   Why are people always kicking things to the curb? If you really wanna get rid of something kick it to the middle of the street.

   There are no warrants out for my arrest so we could go basically anywhere on a date.