Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need an Instagram filter that makes me look smart as well as cute.

   On this Memorial Day let us remember the soldiers that have fallen, not a f@#king gorilla.

   It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

   Always look both ways before crossing a Trump supporter.

   I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.

   Billion Dollar Idea: Girl Scout Nachos.

   Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.

   Pretty sure most 9 month olds are doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind our backs.

   On the next Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump picks his White House Cabinet.

   You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order...

   Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.

   I am born of physics, compiled by chemistry, evolved by biology, exist in ecology and decay into geology.

   "I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." --Dolphins.

   Congratulations!!! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it....

   Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.

   I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...

   Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

   Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.

   Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.

   Pro Tip: The gorillas at the Cincinnati zoo do not offer babysitting services without being shot by the zoo staff.