Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom don't worry, we were in rehab together.

   Breaking: Trump announces his VP pick will be former publicist John Miller.

   If I worked at Starbucks, I'd ask for your name then write it on the cup with quotation marks like I don't believe you.

   I'm 'when Hanson came out I thought the drummer was a hot girl' years old.

   Give the gift of life. Become an organ donor. Hot singles in your area will appreciate it.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

   Getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

   Nothing good ever goes down behind beaded curtains.

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   Fact: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

   It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

   Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.

   Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

   Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.