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I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
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05-14-2016 04:56
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Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....
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05-14-2016 04:55
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You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.
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05-14-2016 04:53
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If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.
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05-14-2016 04:52
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Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.
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05-13-2016 19:19
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Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!
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05-13-2016 18:56
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Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.
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05-13-2016 17:13
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it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
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05-13-2016 17:08
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Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!
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05-13-2016 17:07
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I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....
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05-13-2016 17:05
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Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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05-13-2016 17:04
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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05-13-2016 17:03
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I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.
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05-13-2016 17:00
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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05-13-2016 16:56
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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05-13-2016 16:55
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Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.
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05-13-2016 16:54
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I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.
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05-13-2016 16:52
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I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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05-13-2016 16:52
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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05-13-2016 16:46
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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05-13-2016 16:46
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