Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1301 of 6446

When you find your kid grooving to Nickelback....it's time to have that talk.
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05-15-2016 05:00
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I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.
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05-14-2016 19:48 by Snotty
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If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.
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05-14-2016 16:37
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I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.
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05-14-2016 16:09
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Trump constantly flip flops on his positions, no one wants to see him wearing flip flops.
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05-14-2016 16:06
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John Miller is Donald Trump's fake spokesman, of was it Donald Trump who was John Miller's spokesman?? All we know is both of them sure sounded like Donald Trump.
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05-14-2016 16:04
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Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.
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05-14-2016 16:02
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Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!
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05-14-2016 13:39
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Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.
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05-14-2016 13:37
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A fun thing to do today when we leave the Zoo, will be to start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"
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05-14-2016 13:36
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“Try to fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not prove they are a citizen.”
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05-14-2016 13:34
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Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.
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05-14-2016 13:34
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Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup.
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05-14-2016 13:33
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Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.
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05-14-2016 13:32
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"The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words, 'Who in the hell is knocking on my door at this hour?'
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05-14-2016 13:28
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"I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.
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05-14-2016 13:25
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Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.
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05-14-2016 13:21
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I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''
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05-14-2016 13:19
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My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.
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05-14-2016 13:17
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Ever notice most of the Graduates of the University of Phoenix go on to do great things, like commercials for the University of Phoenix.
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05-14-2016 13:15
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