Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got out of listening to the door-to-door salesman's pitch by telling him I'm the cleaning lady, which really isn't even a lie.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists
←Rate | 05-26-2016 23:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website
←Rate | 05-26-2016 20:46 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.
←Rate | 05-26-2016 20:31 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?
←Rate | 05-26-2016 20:20 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?
←Rate | 05-26-2016 20:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.
←Rate | 05-26-2016 18:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never have Thai food 2x in a row. Its like someone maced your butthole.
←Rate | 05-26-2016 11:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.
←Rate | 05-26-2016 11:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.
←Rate | 05-26-2016 10:40 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .
←Rate | 05-25-2016 20:50 by JAB Comments (1)  


   messageicon In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!
←Rate | 05-25-2016 17:20 Comments (0)  




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