Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   Got out of listening to the door-to-door salesman's pitch by telling him I'm the cleaning lady, which really isn't even a lie.

   When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.

   Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

   My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.

   No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists

   i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.