Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.

   An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.

   kid climbed into the Gorilla exhibit because the Gorilla looked like his jigaboo father

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.