Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   Nothing has held me back in life more than not knowing which U.S. National Park I am. If only there was a way to find out.

   Have nothing against people from other countries. But one thing is for sure. they do not know how to drive in the U.S. no turn signal, no turn on red, ect...

   ...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.

   Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   Donald Trump willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.

   Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

   Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?

   If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons and banner on your mailbox.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.

   A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   You say mystery bruise, I say you're going to enjoy prison for a very long time.

   I always thought my adult life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.

   Always give your dog a middle name, so he/she knows when they're really in trouble.