Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.

   Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   Donald Trump willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.

   Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

   Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?

   If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons and banner on your mailbox.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.

   A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   You say mystery bruise, I say you're going to enjoy prison for a very long time.

   I always thought my adult life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.

   Always give your dog a middle name, so he/she knows when they're really in trouble.

   With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.

   Gonna strap a snowblower on my car roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

   I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.