Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

   I don't take anything you say seriously. You're just an idiot who has internet access.

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!