Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   I wish I could steal corny one liners and click "Iike" on my own posts as an act of hollow accomplishment.

   I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

   Godzilla was the first house flipper.

   Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

   Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

   Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

   I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

   I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

   The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

   Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

   Anyone that tells you money can’t buy happiness, doesn’t know where to shop.

   My last relationship ended cause he wanted a long distance relationship, well he told me to go to hell

   From now on, I’m telling prospective employers that I was the General Manager at Toy’s-R-Us. Who tf they gonna call?

   Tu Youyou ~ The first woman to win a Nobel Prize for medicine. Also known for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   You know what horror game enemies need? Big boobs. I mean a real set of badonkers, that would be frightening.

   If you get bit by a shark, bite it back. You’re probably still gonna die, but the shark will be like, lol wtf?

   Grown men who call their parents mommy and daddy can kill you with their bare hands and won’t even say a cuss word while they’re doing it.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.