jake Funny Status Messages

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.

   The Mexicans may not be happy with the building of trump's wall. But they will get over it.

   I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.