Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   I wasn't born to kiss anyone's ass. If you want someone to obey and follow you, you should probably get a dog.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   Does this joke format make MY ASS look big?

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   God promised man he could find beautiful women who were good honest wives in all corners of the world then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

   Women just want to be loved and valued for who they really are on the inside, not just for their physical beauty... Claws and all.

   Logic of an ex girlfriend: You where sh*t in bed anyway So why sleep with me for 3 years then?

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.