Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.