Funny Status Messages

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.

   kid climbed into the Gorilla exhibit because the Gorilla looked like his jigaboo father

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.

   It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.

   Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.

   Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."