Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's face the truth all three year olds are walking, talking middle fingers.

   The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

   To this day, it's still a mystery where exactly the four-leaf clover gene is actually located – and how it really works. But clover-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal are still magically delicious.

   How To Baby Proof Your House: Condoms are super-duper effective and highly recommended.

   I need a career change, perhaps I should be a Pornographic Historian.

   Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

   Yay today is Pay Day!!! Although I really enjoyed eating ice soup for the past few days.

   Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza.

   Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break.

   Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".

   Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?

   come2 the j.oke.ca.fe for way better stuff

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.

   Sometimes a Reuben at Arby's is how you celebrate St Patrick's Day.

   If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

   Female president? Maybe when they rename it the Oval Kitchen.

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...