Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1295 of 6446

i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website
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05-26-2016 20:46 by Eddy
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Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.
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05-26-2016 20:31 by Snotty
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My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?
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05-26-2016 20:20 by Snotty
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Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?
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05-26-2016 20:06 by Snotty
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Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.
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05-26-2016 18:40
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Never have Thai food 2x in a row. Its like someone maced your butthole.
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05-26-2016 11:46
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I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.
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05-26-2016 11:20
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I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.
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05-26-2016 10:40 by Fazzella
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I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .
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05-25-2016 20:50 by JAB
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In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!
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05-25-2016 17:20
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Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.
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05-24-2016 22:46
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I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.
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05-24-2016 22:13 by Snotty
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I think people can be politically correct all they want. As long as they shut the f#ck up about it. . .
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05-24-2016 21:48 by JAB
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Not here for hook ups = Hooks up anyways, I'm to busy to date = Drops everything for a stranger, I need to be by myself for awhile = Gets back with their Ex, I don't have unprotected sex = Licks all crevasses anyways.
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05-24-2016 19:24
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If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"
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05-24-2016 17:05
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My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.
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05-24-2016 13:17 by Fazzella
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When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.
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05-24-2016 09:49
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I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.
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05-24-2016 06:10 by Snotty
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Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐
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05-24-2016 06:06 by Snotty
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Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
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05-23-2016 17:33
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