Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Dear Trump supporters, I don't know what century you guys live in, but all my clocks change themselves.

   If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.

   If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

   The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.

   And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.

   Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.

   Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.

   I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.

   ........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.