Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 01:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Trump supporters, I don't know what century you guys live in, but all my clocks change themselves.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.
←Rate | 05-28-2016 00:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......
←Rate | 05-27-2016 23:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*
←Rate | 05-27-2016 22:15 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?
←Rate | 05-27-2016 19:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
←Rate | 05-27-2016 13:00 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂
←Rate | 05-27-2016 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.
←Rate | 05-27-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  




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