Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.

   I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.

   ........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   Got out of listening to the door-to-door salesman's pitch by telling him I'm the cleaning lady, which really isn't even a lie.

   When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.

   Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

   My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.

   No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists