Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1294 of 6446

Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
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05-28-2016 01:05
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Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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05-28-2016 01:04
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Dear Trump supporters, I don't know what century you guys live in, but all my clocks change themselves.
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05-28-2016 01:01
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If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
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05-28-2016 00:59
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If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
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05-28-2016 00:58
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The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.
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05-28-2016 00:57
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And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.
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05-28-2016 00:55
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Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
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05-28-2016 00:53
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Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.
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05-28-2016 00:52
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99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!
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05-28-2016 00:51
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It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.
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05-28-2016 00:49
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Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.
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05-28-2016 00:48
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I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.
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05-28-2016 00:47
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........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......
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05-27-2016 23:06
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*tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*
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05-27-2016 22:15 by Snotty
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Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?
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05-27-2016 19:18
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It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂
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05-27-2016 12:32
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I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.
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05-27-2016 12:31
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Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.
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05-27-2016 01:25
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