Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.

   Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.

   The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?

   .... In today's world "Common Sense" has become so rare it's now considered a Super Power.

   The first rule of the Pizza Club is there are no rules. I mean pineapple, there is no pineapple.

   To the girl working at the McDonalds I just left, based on all your tattoos, I'd say your minimum wage pay isn't the issue here...

   Muhammad Ali did not kill that gorilla's toddler just so you can make jokes on Facebook

   Maybe it's not alcoholism. Maybe it's just stress intervention.

   Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work

   Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted.

   I don't think a child should win America's Got Talent, because performing at 2 am in a Las Vegas casino is simply too cruel.

   I always wonder about this, what bathroom should a trangender gorilla use?

   Nick Cannon challenges Eminem to $100,000 rap battle, I am so loooking forward to watching it this week on America's Got Talent.

   Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?

   spilled my coffee and I felt a piece of my soul die.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   I guess I won't be allowed to host any more baby showers. Who knew the baby shaped piñata wouldnt be a hit!

   You know how to pi$$ a liberal off. Make sense. . .