Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.

   MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.

   .... If you insist on using illegal Fireworks for the 4th of July this year .... Please make sure you remove the sombrero first.

   getting low on groceries so ive been munching on the bulk pack of tums from costcos all day. I think there giving me heartburn

   .... If gun control worked then Chicago should have transformed itself into Mayberry by now.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   Todays advice: If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

   Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

   Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.

   Honestly in 56 years, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   The problem with this generation boils down to: Their cartoons suck.

   Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

   Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

   ’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...

   I saw a sign today at Bob Evans that almost made me pee myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed."

   It’s so hot down in Washington D.C. yesterday that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate..