Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   when filling out the app. for my drivers license it ask for my race, I put down nascar...

   I will never lose my virginity cause I wanna set a good example for my kids

   Studies suggest that 9 out of 10 men prefer a women with curves. The 10th man drives a Ford and prefers the other 9 men.

   "I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman

   I'm not here to fix your problems, i'm here to set an example of what happens when your problems don't get fixed.

   At the end of the day, a clown somewhere is busy washing off the makeup after a hard day at the circus. A woman somewhere is also doing the same.

   When your sassy personalized license plate promises a lifestyle your Hyundai can't deliver.

   I haven't lost my virginity yet cause I never lose, I'm a winner I want to win.

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   There's two sides to every coin, which makes cents.

   If I could do the Jedi mind trick, I would get an insane amount of oral sex.

   The best memory of American Idol is when Ryan Seacrest tried to highfive a blind guy with Kelly Clarkson winning a distant second.

   I may be the only one without a bucket list but my fucket list is getting rather long....

   "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Oops, I'm now sitting at my work's disciplinary meeting dressed as the Easter Bunny.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a good slogan for condoms.