Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   I hate it when my inner child talks back to the voices in my head.

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.