Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monica Lewinsky is 42, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the White House floor and putting everything in her mouth.

   Marry someone with a great personality. Looks fade away but boredom doesn't.

   Surprise sex is awesome to wake up to. Unless you are in prison....

   Forget about Prince Charming ladies, always go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.

   I am putting a vending machine on my porch this Halloween. Sorry kids, I have bills to pay....

   Sarah Palin as a TV court judge, that'll be a laugh a minute cuz she doesn't have a law degree.

   the "check engine" light came on. I checked & the car definitely has one. It makes loud noises & drips some stuff all over the place so I know it's there

   What do we tell Jesus when he comes back to earth and finds out we call the day of his death Good Friday? He be all like ... WTF?

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   Young Trump supporters are the kids who sell a gram or oregano to you for $25.

   Flight attendant who allegedly left cocaine at LAX arrested in NYC, well let's all be fair she knows how to get high in the skies....

   If money was grown on trees,women would be dating monkeys!

   More than 2 million New Zealanders voted in the ballot to decide whether to keep the British Union Jack on their flag or replace it with a silver fern. They voted to keep the British Union Flag. Why can't we have a calm Presidential election in America?

   If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....

   The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.

   Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.

   Obama leans toward believing scientists before god. Any country acknowledging science before any god is a winner in my opinion.

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.