Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1287 of 6446

Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!
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06-04-2016 05:43
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Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast.
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06-04-2016 05:41
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Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!
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06-04-2016 05:39
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Took my dog to sign up for welfare, the clerk said sorry shes not able to....I said why she's got no job, no money, 7 kids and dont know who their dad is.
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06-04-2016 01:18
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Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
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06-04-2016 01:17
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If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your wicked lifestyle.
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06-04-2016 01:16
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Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.
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06-04-2016 01:15
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Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.
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06-04-2016 01:14
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I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.
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06-04-2016 01:13
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When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body get weak and hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm unfit.
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06-04-2016 01:12
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At the hospital today, I parked in the C section of their parking lot..... so naturally I had to climb out of the sunroof.
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06-04-2016 01:11
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I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!
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06-04-2016 01:10
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If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either
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06-03-2016 19:20 by @DJPhatJ
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Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".
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06-03-2016 18:10 by Me
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I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...
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06-03-2016 16:32
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If you carry a gas can in your trunk, you should rethink your life plan...
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06-03-2016 16:31
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I never imagined living in a world where being all thumbs meant you could out text all your friends.
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06-03-2016 13:25
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Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there

I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed
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06-02-2016 23:11
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Hackers breaking in to old MySpace accounts seems about as pointless as breaking in to an old Blockbuster store.
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06-02-2016 14:11
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