Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Some of these fools use money to attract women but then turn around and call those women gold-diggers. Its common knowledge that when you go fishing, you catch fish not a zebra.

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   Not to brag but I finished up my 30 day diet plan in just 4 days.

   Does this status make me look fat?

   Hillary Clinton may become the first F president. Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.

   Ya'll best be voting for Hillary if you wanna keep gettin' dem food stamps to sell

   If the first thing Trump says after he wins the election isn't " You're Fired!" I will be highly disappointed

   Turns out that the "Poop Deck" was improperly named. Apparently ..... that is what something called the "Head" is for! Guess I soulda done more research before I went on this cruise.

   ... If you think seven years back luck for breaking a mirror is bad .... Try breaking a condom.

   I got an idea for my new company I wana start a company that makes condoms and caskets the slogan would be We always got you covered weather ur cummin or goin

   .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.

   I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'

   Hillary told Donald Trump to delete his Twitter account. Funny, she wants him to treat it like her govt emails

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.