Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   Here's another way to pi$$ off a liberal.. tell them to obey the immigration laws. . .

   Oh you're voting for Hillarious Clinton the crook. I am not saying you're stupid, but voting for her only proves you are. . .

   A gay Christian is not an oxymoron, a hateful Christian most certainly is....

   Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck

   Hey, If I was an African American defendant and found out that the Judge in charge of my docket was associated with the Klan .... I too would definitely question his ability to judge my case.

   ... I think it's sad that my retirement plan consists of buying a lottery ticked every week. But when I DO win ... I am totally retiring!

   Request to Disneyland to have a 101 Dalmatians attraction where you literally just sit in a room surrounded by 101 Dalmation puppies.

   Dogs Barking at Night Translated -- Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog! Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog! Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren't going to believe this...

   Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.

   When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

   Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.

   Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.