Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.

   I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   A recent study shows that most pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandana around its neck and placing the sunglasses on its face.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Just before the election this year, on Halloween, I'm going to dress up as Bernie, take kids' candy away after they've collected it, then redistribute it to kids who stayed home.

   So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.

   Good news and bad news. The bad news first: McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. The good news: That's good for another billion burgers.

   My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.

   Yesterday I saw a donkey crossing the road... the funny thing, he looked both ways before he crossed. What a smart ass....

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   If Trump becomes President, maybe theres a chance I can use my Trump University degree to finally get a job.

   Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   Wondering if there's any good Easter egg hunts to bring the kids to two days after Easter?

   The FBI was able to unlock the San Bernardino shooter's iPhone, and have discovered his Candy Crush scores.

   Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind."

   Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

   I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

   I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."