Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my best friend sleeps on their back, while my ex sleeps with everybody.

   Pro Tip: Every time a vegan dies, their soul gets burned into a piece of meat.

   Always finish your salad, kids. A thousand islands died to make that dressing....

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   (burglar gently waking me)....You live like this?

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too

   Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year.

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   I would like to wish all the atheists out there a very happy holiday! Have a fantastic April Fool's Day!

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.

   My only hope for April Fool's Day is that Trump announces this has all been a monumental prank.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?