Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..

   Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.

   Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.

   The 'man bun'.....A hair raising trend.

   Interesting idea, Ice Cube should change his name to Soft Drink.

   Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.

   When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell.

   The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie.

   Rich People's Problems: Not remembering the names of the maid's 9 children.