Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1280 of 6383
All your shirts claim that you "live to ride"....however, the odometer on your bike parked in your garage determined that was a lie.
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04-04-2016 04:42
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Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.
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04-04-2016 02:01
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I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.
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04-04-2016 01:55
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I can't wait to get my tax return this year so I can afford a much better accountant.
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04-04-2016 01:54
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My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.
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04-04-2016 01:50
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Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.
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04-04-2016 01:49
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Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."
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04-04-2016 01:47
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I played an April Fool's joke on my landlord by not paying rent....I am wondering if this eviction notice is the real deal.
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04-04-2016 01:46
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Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing.
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04-04-2016 01:44
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If I ever use "there" instead of "their" and "your" instead of "you're" in the same joke here, I've been kidnapped and am signalling for help....
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04-04-2016 01:42
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Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.
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04-03-2016 23:43
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Duct tape can't fix stupid Hillary Clinton supporters, but it can muffle the sound.
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04-03-2016 22:13 by JAB
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It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.
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04-03-2016 21:10 by Aaron
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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04-03-2016 20:56 by Aaron
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I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans. I asked if any of them had papers and the all ran away.
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04-03-2016 20:19
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If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?
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04-03-2016 19:52
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I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree
Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police!"
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04-03-2016 17:05
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If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.
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04-03-2016 16:43
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The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....
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04-03-2016 15:31
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