Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.

   If you build it they will come is why I don't build anything.

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   I've spent one day as a verified account on Facebook and I still haven't gotten laid.

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing at you because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.

   Ivanka Trump is writing a new book called "Women Who Work: Rewriting The Rules Of Success." Rule number 1 is having a wealthy, powerful father.

   When I drink too much Red Bull, I feel like I can do algebra.

   "I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.

   Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.

   Pro Tip: 84% of my adult life is singing the chorus from Boyz 2 Men's "I'll Make Love To You" at the most inappropriate time.

   I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.

   The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.

   2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.