Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   How do you politely tell a wannabe model on Instagram she is fat?

   When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.

   You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

   Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

   The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

   If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

   If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

   Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

   I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

   Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

   i could never be president. I'm overqualified.

   Cougar Area: Please stay on trails, travel in small groups and do not allow men under 30 to travel alone.

   When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, “eat the chocolate.” The other says, “you heard me right, eat it.”

   Pro Tip: If you drink enough beer, your Tinder date starts to look like their profile picture.

   Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.

   If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.

   What’s up cake? Muffin much.

   Broken pencils are pointless.

   At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.