Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.

   Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.

   I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious

   The problem with this generation boils down to the fact that their cartoons suck. And just knowing this is half the battle of Grayskull.

   This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button...

   Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!

   I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.

   If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.

   Really worried about how much I'm going to get hit on at the pool this summer now that plus-size is considered sexy.

   I have the same effect at nude beaches as sharks do at family beaches.

   Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Nowadays the only way to get friends to hang out all night is if one of us needs an intervention.

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"

   Stop Facebooking about how your baby can sit up on his own. I can do that! I do it all the time!