Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1275 of 6383
Tax day is just a few days away so get out there and check those dumpster and trash cans for receipts.
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04-10-2016 08:33
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To reduce the chance of being audited during tax season, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.
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04-10-2016 08:32
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Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.
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04-10-2016 08:23
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A big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.
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04-10-2016 08:20
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I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".
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04-10-2016 08:18
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Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.
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04-10-2016 08:13
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.
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04-10-2016 08:11
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My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.
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04-10-2016 08:08
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I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
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04-10-2016 08:05
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Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.
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04-10-2016 08:04
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It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.
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04-10-2016 08:02
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When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
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04-10-2016 08:01
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I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.
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04-10-2016 08:00
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I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
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04-10-2016 05:28 by Nipper
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I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.
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04-10-2016 00:38
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the S or the C silent in the word scent?
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04-09-2016 23:43 by Jeff
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Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?
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04-09-2016 22:26
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Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?
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04-09-2016 22:20 by Eddy
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I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.
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04-09-2016 19:45
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According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven
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04-09-2016 18:28 by Snotty
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