Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The bad news is: An Alligator swallowed your child. The good news is: We're gonna comp you Free Family passes to Disneyworld

   If people try to tell you money doesn't buy happiness - they're wrong. It does.

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.

   It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.

   Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Other kids grew up watching SpongeBob. I watched The West Wing.

   The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.

   Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.