Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The bad news is: An Alligator swallowed your child. The good news is: We're gonna comp you Free Family passes to Disneyworld
←Rate | 06-16-2016 07:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If people try to tell you money doesn't buy happiness - they're wrong. It does.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 03:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 03:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 03:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Other kids grew up watching SpongeBob. I watched The West Wing.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:39 Comments (1)  




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