Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1272 of 6383
How are we to believe science actually knows anything when they can't decide whether eggs are good or bad for you, or if Pluto is a planet or not?
Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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04-13-2016 06:06
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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04-13-2016 06:05
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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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04-13-2016 06:04
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It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
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04-13-2016 06:03
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Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.
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04-13-2016 06:00
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Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
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04-13-2016 05:58
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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04-13-2016 05:56
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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04-13-2016 05:55
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I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.
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04-13-2016 05:43
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If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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04-12-2016 20:46
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Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.
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04-12-2016 18:19
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.... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!
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04-12-2016 17:39
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I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......
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04-12-2016 15:04
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Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
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04-12-2016 14:51
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Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
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04-12-2016 14:20
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.
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04-12-2016 13:06 by SEAN
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I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
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04-12-2016 13:04 by SEAN
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just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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04-12-2016 13:00 by SEAN
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If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
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04-12-2016 12:51
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