Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.

   So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?

   Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.

   Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.

   If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....

   Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse

   Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   Politicians are constantly rated as among the most Un-Trustworthy people. So how come so many people actually believe every promise they make for when they become president? They should know that they are just going to prove the same point once again.

   OK, OK. I'm sorry I yelled "Get a room!" when your grandmother was hugging your grandfather's casket.

   After spending any time on social media you can understand why they need to write "Do Not Eat" on silica packets.